Home > motherhood, sleep deprivation > Scary mom out of my own head

Scary mom out of my own head

I just lost it. For about 30 minutes, I was a raving lunatic.

The Husband is at a condo meeting. I had to suggest to him that since we’re trying to get The Child down early, maybe we ought not schedule the thing at our place. Oh, yeah. So we rescheduled it for one of the other condos. And he had to leave just as I was trying to put the kid down. All went well for half an hour or so but then she was just remaining wide awake.

I snarled at her, and cried while singing “Working on the Railroad” and smacked my own head in frustration. She kept asking to nurse and my nipples got so sore after an hour of this that I was ready to scream. I did scream. I have a small cut between my breasts that I got three weeks ago but she keeps scratching at it while nursing and pulling the scab off and it won’t heal.  She keeps pinching my other nipple — hard. She screams and thrashes if she can’t scratch my scab or pinch my nipple.

The cat keeps meowing. Just as she dozes off, he will walk in and brush up against her and meow.  He wants me to feed him for the FIFTH time today. He has cancer. He is dying. (He’s not in any pain, he’s just hungry all the time.) I actually threw a pillow at the cat. That sounds benign, but it wasn’t. It was launched with gritted teeth and intent to hurt. I’ve never raised my hand to an animal in my life, but I swear to god at that moment I was ready to slam him across the room with a fist.

All the while, I could hear The Husband in the condo next door, laughing with the other members of the association.

I’d get her to sleep — or I thought she was asleep — and then she’d start singing or crying or something.  Or the cat would wake her up.

I don’t know why it was so bad tonight. It took 79 minutes, including teeth brushing and pajama-donning, to get her down. And the Husband did the teeth and the PJs before he left. That’s not unusual or particularly long. But I was not sane for much of it. (Hell, if I could have been sane, it probably would have taken less time. And I was just sane enough to know that.) I was sobbing and swearing and telling to just “go to sleep for the fucking love of god,” through a clenched jaw.

Maybe because she took very little nap today and I spent about an hour trying to get her to go back to nap without any success. Maybe because she and I have had a cold and not been sleeping well. (Hence the lack of postings.) Maybe because my hormones are awry.  Maybe because I had intended to make oatmeal cookies today and The Husband missed the train and instead of making cookies, I spent 35 minutes in a bookstore waiting for him.

I hate it when I lose it. I feel so … out of control.

  1. September 13, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    Are you around this morning? I’m at Diesel writing. If you’re out walking, stop by. (I do not have your # in my cell, or I’d call.)

  2. September 13, 2007 at 1:44 pm

    I’ve definitely had some moments like this–I actually threw a fit in our spare bathroom about a month ago and kicked a hole through the (thin!) wall by accident. You’re not alone in losing your patience completely now and then…Ug.

  3. September 16, 2007 at 8:08 pm

    white noise, ( a fan is my favorite , clssical music….if she didn’t have a nap, she’s extra spun up…everytime I think mine had , ” a big day” and will “sleep good” it takes 2-3 days for it to kick in. It’s maddening trying to think of ‘creative ways’ to accomplish goals with children, when we reject the ‘old fashioned’ ones. I used to shut myself in the bathroom and run the exhaust fan and the water full blast just to drown out the noise and get some ‘quiet time’ of my own. As long as my kid was safely contained in their room (I’m so archaic, we turned the locks around so we could lock them in their room from the outside for age apropriate amounts of time)I felt that option beat the alternative sometimes….I had to turn the dresser around to face the wall so they wouldn’t climb up the drawers and tip it over on them self..and that clenched jaw, sometimes I wouldn’t even realize I was doing it…OH! and… if you haven’t maybe transition to you nurse babe…then transfer to the husband to put her down…it’ll be rough, but it may be worth it…just DON’T GIVE IN, get out of the house if you have to…when his arm is well enough…it may be hard to have him do it, but it will be good for the two of them to work it out.

  4. September 18, 2007 at 11:29 am

    do you have access to LLL meetings? What does your group advise about the child’s nursing behavior/habits? http://www.llli.org/resources/assistance.html

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