Peeing with your panties on
Warning. This post is probably TMI.
So I went to a wedding yesterday. To wear the only dress in my post-baby wardrobe that even remotely fit, I bought a pair of Spanx. They are kind like super panties, and they suck in all the bits that wobble and create a smooth profile. In otherwords, they are torture devices. But they keep my thighs from getting chub rub and the tuck in that baby bulge. I’ve always been overweight, but I never had a little pooch there before (it was a more even distribution of weight) and it bugs the hell out of me.
But they are super panties and took five minutes of very funny (I’m sure) gyrations and gymnastics to get on. Picture every bad movie where the heroine is trying to pull on too-small pants — the hopping on one foot, the sucking in of guts, the grunting and groaning, the hiss of pain when you let go accidentally and the elastic snaps on your belly, the falling over sideways — and you get an idea what it looked like.
Once I got them on, I realized that peeing was going to be nigh impossible. But the nice people at Spanx had thought of that and had created an easy-open gusset. Basically, crotchless panties for fat chicks.
This was fine in theory. But the reality was, when I sat down to pee, even with the crotch pulled as big open as I could get it (there was plenty of room), I still had my underwear on. It took a conscience effort and act of will to pee because it felt like I was peeing my pants. The third time, I just pulled the darned things down.
But of course, that was the one time someone was waiting for me. Outside the thin door in the tiny beach house bathroom. Where sound travels like the walls are tissue paper. As I re-enacted the too-small pants dance, I heard someone outside mutter, “What the hell is she doing in there?”
These things never happen to other people, do they?