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Listening

I’m not really all that fuzzy New Age-y. But I do believe that there is more to the world than we know. I also believe that if you keep seeing a repeating pattern in what’s happening to you, there’s probably a reason that has to do with your behavior and that a smart person can analyze these patterns and learn something about her own behavior.

In a more New Age-y way of saying it, the universe is trying to tell me something.

But I’m too busy to hear it.

I’ve been saying this for a while — I have broken my toe. I stub my foot at least twice a day. The Child whacks me and thumps me and pulls herself upright using my nipple. (I swore so loud there are people in China still hearing the echoes.) I thwacked my head into the table the other day and dropped a cup so it whanged off my knee. Clearly there’s a pattern here and I have to think it’s more than just “I’m clumsy.”  I’m always clumsy and I’ve never broken a bone before. And then the other day something strange happened…

I cut myself.

Now, this may seem trivial to you. I cook a lot and I wield my knife with a fairly casual attitude. Plus, I set things on fire on a semi-regular basis. And it’s not like I’ve never cut myself before — the knife slips on a bit of onion skin or a carrot rolls weirdly or whatnot. But those are chance happenings. If you cut enough onions, you’re eventually going to encounter a bit of onion skin with the right coefficient of friction and the knife blade at the right angle with the right amount of force on it….

This was totally different.  This was just a failure of my own kinetic sense. I lifted my left hand up and into the knife blade. It’s a small nick, mostly healed three days later, but it unnerved me. I’ve never failed to control my knife before — not in twenty years, anyway. I’m good with a knife.

I feel like I need to meditate for an hour and just contemplate the patterns that have been swirling around me for the past three months with that clarity you only get from clearing your mind. The problem becomes that I just don’t have the space — mental, physical, temporal — to afford an hour of meditation.

Of course, with flashing knives and busted bones and who knows what else on the horizon the question becomes, can I afford not to?

Then I wonder if the whole message from the universe is that I need to spend more energy on my own upkeep?

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Categories: motherhood, spirituality
  1. Juliet Bravo
    October 30, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    Well, if there’s one journal I feel I can voice an unvarnished opinion on…

    I think that you are giving up too much of yourself in order to fit into your new lifestyle. You are trying to remake yourself into something new, and part of you is subconsciously protesting at being so mercilessly edited.

    The “mom identity” problem is a tough one. When so much of what you do is mom-stuff (even hobbies, like the quilt making are basically being a mom for someone’s child), that you don’t feel like you have an hour to sit and be with yourself, part of you is going to start complaining, loudly, until you do 🙂

  2. bianca bean
    October 30, 2007 at 6:15 pm

    Maybe it is telling you to slooooooow dooooooown and be nicer to yourself. But what do I know?

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