Home > motherhood > Rules for the childless

Rules for the childless

So, randomly, here are some things that I think people who don’t have kids should know.

  1. We already have copies of the following books: Goodnight Moon, Guess How Much I Love You, Where the Wild Things Are, and The Very Hungry Caterpillar. We probably have Pat the Bunny, Runawy Bunny, and The Big Red Barn, too. Please don’t buy them for baby shower presents or for the kid of Christmas or her birthday.
  2. Speaking of presents: Please consider buying something sturdy, wooden, simple, and classic for my child. Things that are plastic, brightly colored, flash, make noise, and require batteries are really not necessary.
  3. You may think whatever you like about my parenting technique. But unless you feel my child’s life is in imminent danger, keep those thoughts to yourself. It will save you embarrassment later on, should you chose to have a child and suddenly discover just how stupid you really were.
  4. Yes, that is normal for this age.
  5. No, I don’t think it’s time to wean. Or potty train. Or crib train. Or teach her to use a glass instead of a straw cup.
  6. I’m in bed by 10 pm, at the very very latest. I’m up by 6 am, at the very very latest. My daughter’s nap time is sacrosanct. Please be aware that I must schedule my time with you around those three facts.
  7. A stay-at-home-mom is working. In fact, she’s working way harder than you are, buster.
  8. Telling me that I just need to make time to exercise or meditate or get my hair cut or whatever is really not productive. Neither is kicking you in the shins, but it might make me feel better.
  9. No, I won’t just “lighten up”.
  10. If you give my kid sugary crap while I’m not looking, I will hunt you down, chain your ankles to your ears, and let my hyperactive screaming daughter kick you in the throat repeatedly, to see how you like it. Then I will kick you myself.
Categories: motherhood
  1. November 9, 2007 at 9:34 pm

    #6 is so difficult for me. I want to spend time with people but yeah, the reverse 9-5 makes it almost impossible. And I know they don’t understand. 😦

  2. Juliet Bravo
    November 9, 2007 at 11:35 pm

    11. Just because my one-year-old smiles at you, does not mean he is “flirting” with you. For some reason, this is my personal pet peeve.

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