Home > motherhood, sex, Sex stuff > Let’s talk about sex

Let’s talk about sex

I started to write this as a comment in response to C’Tina’s comment on my last post. When it got to be six paragraphs, I moved it to a regular post.

C’Tina — You and I seem to have had different formative experiences regarding sex. My mother’s entire explanation of sex was a mechanical discussion that left me confused as to how a penis got into my urethra and the comment “Well, the first time, you’re naked and you’re nervous and it hurts and….”

I learned everything I know about sex from books. Some of it porn, some of it romance novels, some of it sex manuals. Thank God my librarians had a very liberal attitude. Now, when I say “porn”, I’m talking about Delta of Venus by Anais Nin, Anne’s Rice’s “Beauty” novels, and Carrington’s Victorian rags, not Playboy and the crap you see on the Internet. (Have you ever read “Half Moon Street”, the mystery by Anne Perry? It’s a meditation on the tension between the corrupting influence you were talking about the the right or need for free speech. You may find it interesting.)

My mother’s position isn’t quite as extreme as purity balls (and I do have relatives who have been pressured into going to those things — they are not as rare as you might think) but she basically stopped talking about sex after that discussion. Her only further contributions to my sexual upbringing were things like, “You have big breasts and boys will think you’re easy because of it.” Or “You should never be alone with a boy, because people will think you’re a slut.”

Of course, when I came back from college with a (I think) healthy attitude towards sex, and my mom figured out that I’d had sex with THREE GUYS during my four years there, she called me a slut. Seriously. In my experience, there’s plenty of shame and preaching of chastity out there.

Actually, I think the most toxic possible environment is what we have now. The wanton, ridiculously unrealistic, promiscuous sexuality portrayed in popular culture, combined with a very anti-sex Puritanical attitude that’s unspoken but runs underneath it all.

Like C’Tina, I am really really worried about exposing The Child to this vicious brew. The exaltation and excoriation of Brittany Spears is an interesting study on our self-contradictory views towards sex. I don’t want my daughter to see awful stuff and I have no idea how to prevent that. My strategy right now is a simple one: if I give her a good grounding in sexual information and attitudes when she’s young enough, then nothing she’s going to see will create false expectations.

But that is, in many ways, a personal issue, one I will try to negotiate within my family. To put it into the sphere of the government is to invite censorship and not something I want to do.  Does that make sense? I think it’s a bad idea to have that stuff out there but I don’t want to government making those decisions — slippery slope and all that.

Abortion and, increasingly, sex education, homosexuality, contraception, and a whole host of other things: those are things that the anti-choicers are trying to take away from everyone, regardless of their beliefs, using the power of the government. I’m not fighting to take anything away from people, just to prevent people from taking stuff away from me.

Categories: motherhood, sex, Sex stuff
  1. January 25, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    um, or formative years sound a little similar…except I had no discussions, my dad just told me if I got pregnant not to even come home. If I ever got AIDS he’d take care of me begrudgingly. Whatevs, lol it worked!! I stayed out of trouble. Once at a work site he was trying to impress upon me what animals men were and in private, told me all the guys were undoubtedly ‘eye f***ing’ me. He didn’t use those terms, but it made me uncomfortable, I was 16 at the time. My mom was in a local dance company, several of the guys were gay, the entire group added an appreciation for dance and the arts that I am happy to see my sons take an interest in. That doesn’t mean I want them at the Folsom Street Fair, and if there were displays of private behavior that should be reserved for the bedroom, it should not be allowed. On the other hand all the right to lifers should keep their mouths shut unless they are going to adopt the baby. Even after all my teen years sitting in front of MTV, I survived unscathed, grew up, got married (finally at 28). My dad could rest easy…

    I just think of abortion, contraception and homosexuality as so 1960’s-1990’s….now with websites like efukt, liveleak, NaMbla the deviant debauchery ‘they’ were afraid of in the 50’s from rock n roll is here in a way that could not have been imagined. It’s not from sex ed or music or abortion rights, it’s from the internet. There should be a way to regulate it. The victorian era was rife with the dichotomy of wanton/puratanical attitude you mentioned BUT civilization survived…flourished as a result. Besides, with the Republicans who are in the lead for nomination, the issues you are concerned with have support. What IS being taken away is our childrn’s innocents and safety. We can give them all the good grounding in sexual information, but when people like this http://www.safenetwork.org/jack_mcclellan_pedophile.html are allowed access to stuff like efukt, and all they think is ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ when they see our kids, and they want them…and behavior like theirs gets more normalized…the stuff they are going to take away…It’s almost too much to imagine, but you have to realize that they see yours and mine and everybody’s kids as objects. Your baby is with you all the time and you’ll have time to teach and protect her, but then they get older and you feel so helpless. This is probably incoherant, it’s the fear talking. Oh, and my dad said never leave a drink sitting around for someone to slip drugs into….

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