Home > grandmothers, motherhood, my mom > Bludgeoned to death — mother and daughter (yet again)

Bludgeoned to death — mother and daughter (yet again)

I’ve written more than once about my problems with my mom. Lately, they’ve crystallized around one thing: she doesn’t see The Child enough. “We ought to have a family lunch once a month.” “I just can’t WAIT to see my baby on Sunday!” “Your mother would love it if you could come down on Saturday. Really, she would love it.” “Oh, she’s gotten so big! I wish I could watch her grow up!”

I’m thrilled that my mother wants to be a part of my daughter’s life. (Though I wish she wouldn’t refer to herself as “Mommy” when talking to my daughter or call her “my baby” or do other slightly creepy things which are innocent individually but weird taken all together.) And I know we don’t see her enough for her tastes. Hell, I bet The Child would like to see Grammy more often. But we just don’t have the time! Or the money! Or the emotional energy!

But I am exhausted by the bullying. And I’ve decided that’s what it is. This constant barrage of big fights, little comments, needling remarks, sly innuendos, blatant demands, meaningful sighs, all of them, are my mother’s way of emotionally bullying me. She’s always done it but this time she wants me to do something that I think, in the end, would be harmful to my family. We don’t have whole piles of time together as it is. She wants to eat into that too much.

That’s cleanly stated and clear enough.

So why do I still feel like I’m a terrible person, a miserable failure as a daughter and mother? Why, when my father calls to badger me (because mom’s figured out that if she says anything I will suddenly have to get off the phone), do I feel like I should capitulate? I’m 35 this summer for the love of little green apples! When do I get over this feeling of awfulness when just because my mother dissapproves of a decision? Especially a decision that is as logical, rational, reasonable, and normal as this one?

I really hate that this is something I write about as often as I do. I feel like a rational, sane person would have dealt with this some how — gotten Grandma to stop or developed some kind of a defense mechanism (besides just, “Oh, hey, how ’bout them Red Sox?”)

  1. March 21, 2008 at 2:43 am

    my mom died in 1986, WAY before i had kids,but i KNOW she never would have pulled that crap. she adored her grandnieces and nephews and would go visit them, take the kid out to the park for an hour or to lunch, bringhe kid back and then go on with her life. my ex husband’s mother on the other hand, was pissed as shit because her first grand child (my daughter) HAD THE NERVE TO BE BORN THE DAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY AND RUINED IT. she pulled the same bullying garbage and when we would go over,then it was a BIG DEAL, everything was an IMPOSITION.
    you do what you have to do for your sanity. grammy wants to see the child [NOT BABY. she walks, ergo CHILD] then grammy can ACCOMODATE YOU.

  2. March 21, 2008 at 3:32 am

    I just read about your fantasy life – and then I read about your mother.

    Solution – get more alone time by using the desperate free babysitter!

    Mothers and daughters have issues. Especially when daughters become mothers. Now that my daughter is six and I’ve let some of our issues go I’ve come to terms with the fact that my mom needs both more boundaries and fewer boundaries.

    Obviously, she shouldn’t be having your child call her Mommy, though my baby seems grandmotherly enough – more boundaries.

    But, it’s unlikely she’ll cause permanent damage that you can’t undo if you drop the child off and let grandma spoil her rotten, fewer boundaries.

    For a long time I think my major issue with my mother was that I was worried she was judging my parenting. She’s been known to do that and I was new at parenting and doing it different than she did.

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